dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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