Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
