operation harelip BJ is a go
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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