Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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