she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Houston, we have a squirter
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
