I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
