I've blown a few things in my day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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