dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
