i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
