He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
