I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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