Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
