ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
