Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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