It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
