hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
