Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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