my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
