She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
