i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
