so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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