Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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