Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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