Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
