So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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