Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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