she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
