Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
