I think I am morally bankrupt
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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