Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
