it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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