I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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