just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
