saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
farters have to be the big spoon...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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