What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
