You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
