my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
