my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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