my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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