Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
false alarm, still single
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
