the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
