I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
