I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When are your genitals available?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
