It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
its liver damage thursday
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
