Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
