is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
