Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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