just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
