The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
