Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
