You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
